No more vegan boyfriend. :(

[San]

Hrm, advice time. I'm only 18 so it's all that teenage drama stuff. Yum.

My boyfriend and I broke up today. I'm still kind of in shock. He's vegan and was the person I wanted to marry. He was kind, patient, loving, and a genuinely nice guy. (Guess he must be nice if he's veg.) We were supposed to go to our senior prom in two weeks, walk together at graduation, go to grad night, and go on vacation this summer. It's weird all this is not going to happen, and that's still sinking in. I'm not as upset as I thought I'd be.

Here's the reason I broke up with him. A few months ago I found porn on his computer. I'd asked him before if he looked at porn, and he said he had before, but not anymore. I don't like pornography because it makes me insecure. I can't orgasm so I can't compete, and it makes me feel inferior to other women and like I'll never been a satisfactory girlfriend. I explained to him why it upset me, how it made me feel bad about myself. He said he was sorry and wouldn't do it again.

Today I was using his computer and I went to the Yahoo! Groups website to log into my account. I noticed he was still logged in and his groups were listed on the screen, which was about twenty groups with names about hentai, Asian porn, etc. He said it was from years ago, kept insisting it was old. I told him I felt sick so I went home. I didn't believe him, so I logged onto his E-mail account. I know that was snoopy of me, but I felt justified at the time since he chose to tell me his password. He had confirmation E-mails from the pornography mailing lists dated from this weekend. He still denied it until I confronted him. (He's such a nice guy he didn't even get mad I read his E-mail.) He said he was sorry he lied but he thought I'd break up with him if he told me the truth. He also said that he has a problem and was addicted to porn but didn't want to be anymore. Although I am grossed out by his habit, I told him if he'd been honest with me I would have tried to get him help. The first time I caught him he lied about it being a one time thing and lied about saying he wouldn't do it again. Now I don't know what else he lies about.

I love him and don't want to break up, but I don't think I should be in a relationship with someone who lies, even if the alternative is being lonely. Did I do the right thing, was breaking up with him reasonable, or is this not really that big of a deal? Should I have given him another chance?

I'm sorry to spill my guts here, I know this is a pretty petty problem, but this isn't really something I can talk about with my mom or real life friends because I don't want to embarass my (ex)boyfriend.

Thanks.

[San]

I just talked to my mom. I didn't tell her what he lied about, but I told her we broke up because he lied to me. She thinks we should stay friends and still go to the prom, which is in two weeks. I already have my dress, which isn't returnable, and we've already gotten tickets. I'm worried that doing stuff with him will make it hard for me to stick by my choice to end things, but then again, I'm still not sure that was the right choice!

It feels good to vent.

[iamtheqbu]

I'm not saying you should still date him but...

He also said that he has a problem and was addicted to porn but didn't want to be anymore. Although I am grossed out by his habit, I told him if he'd been honest with me I would have tried to get him help.

...maybe you should help him out anyway if it really is a problem. I'm sure if it really is an addiction he will get over it sooner if you are an understanding friend. Don't make yourself uncomfortable, but be a shoulder for him if he wants you to be.

I envy you, I don't even have a guy to have 'guy problems' about!

[jenzie]

Only you can be the judge of whether the decision you made was right or not.

What I will say however, is that if the other aspects of your relationship are worth holding on to, I would be a supportive friend to him, and see if things can be mended down the road, be it friendship or more.

Good luck with working everything out!

[shedonteatmeat]

Aww San I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Especially now when I'm sure it's the last thing you want to think about (with graduation & prom and all that coming). I agree with everyone that we can't tell you if you made the right decision or not... though I will say that I would have done the same thing in your place... but I wouldn't give up on your guy totally. Give him some support and see if he's willing to *try* as well. Maybe if nothing else, you can still have a good friend. I hope it all works out for you!

[herbi]

Hey San. Sorry about your (ex)boyfriend... I don't have any advice for you, except to say that only you know what decision is right for you and you should trust your own judgments. If his looking at pornography, and hiding it from you, and lying about it, make you so uncomfortable that you can no longer trust him or want to be with him, then breaking up is the right choice for you! (And I certainly wouldn't blame you for that decision!) If something about the way events play out in the coming days/weeks/whenever make you feel like you want to give him another chance, well, then, that's OK too. (People DO make mistakes...) I know, big help I am, right? It is hard... (I know I can't really know what YOU are going through, but believe me, I know from multiple unpleasant personal experiences that when your whole concept of your future with someone is radically altered, it is neither easy nor fun.) I do not think it would be WRONG for you to stay his friend, support him through his "addiction", go to prom with him as planned, etc, but... I think the important thing to consider here is yourself. You are under no obligation to subject yourself to stressful situations where you have to support someone who failed to support you in important ways!!! Please do not let the social pressure of "but we already have tickets..." make you do anything you do not want to do. Tickets are not the end-all be-all of the world! Your feelings are what count. Especially since you have been going through some difficult times lately, I think if there's any way you can minimize the drama and the emotional wear & tear on yourself, you should take it. As I said, just trust in your "gut" to make the right decision, and then stand by it. And... I know it never makes it easier at the time, but ultimately it's a good thing that you can recognize this as (as you put it) "teenage drama stuff." Sigh. If it makes you feel any better, I had a major "teenage drama" episode just last fall at the ripe old age of 28! I don't think it's confined to teenagers, unfortunately. Anyway, off topic, but the important part is-- yes, this kind of drama DOES happen ALL the time in relationships, and it SUCKS and it HURTS and it's NOT FAIR, but... BUT... you will be OK in the end. You will get through it, and you will have learned something, and you will be stronger and wiser and better on the other side. "This too shall pass," as the saying goes, and in the end all will be exactly as it should be. When things get all crazy, just think about how relatively insignificant this will all seem from the vantage point of your amazing Future..... Hope all goes well for you. *hug*

[San]

Thanks for all the kind words, everyone. I really appreciate it. It helps to talk about these things.

My mom came into my room this morning and told me we should get back together. I don't mind so much that he looks/looked at porn because I realise most teenage guys do. It makes me feel insecure about my lack of sexuality, but I'm more upset about the fact that he lied about it the first time and disreguarded how insecure it makes me feel, and seemed to forget how he promised he'd earn my trust back, so I don't know why he'd change after being caught the second time if he didn't the first time.

Do anybody know about supposed pornography addictions? I'm not sure if he just said that so I'd be sympathetic, because if somebody really is addicted to something they usually can't just quit.

I dated a guy for about a year and a half early in high school and although he never lied to me, we went through a lot of problems that were worse than this one and we are still close friends. But it's easier being friends with an ex when you don't have feelings for each other.

[Beanqueen]

Hi,

When I read your post earlier I wondered whether he had said it was an addiction just to make himself look better, like he can't control himself. I'm not saying he did, but it is worth considering. It takes someone who is very comfortable with their sexual need and whose partner is also comfortable with it, to admit to a porn habit.

Did you guys talk about your own feelings or do you think he would have felt like it was something 'best hidden'. A lot of blokes that I know think porn is harmless but that their women friends won't understand so just keep it to thermselves. (As in what you don't know won't hurt you.) Sadly I think this just perpetuates the 'sex is dirty and bad' myth.

[Rosemary]

http://sexed.org/archive/article08.html

I don't buy the concept of "pornography addiction"--the link above (about "sex addiction", by sex therapist Marty Klein) talks about some of the problems with the concept of describing sexual behaviours as addictive.

Personally, I don't have a problem with porn, and enjoy some of it, but I do think sexual compatibility is very important and you have every right to seek out a partner who shares your values. (And your boyfriend also has a right to a partner who shares his sexual preferences.)

I'm sorry that this relationship is ending. Take some time to grieve. Hopefully in the long run you can remain friends.

[San]

We did talk about how I felt about porn the first time I found it on his computer. I explained that it made me feel insecure, inferior, etc. So we had talked about how it made me feel.

I don't mean to offend anyone here that enjoys pornography. It's just something that makes me feel more abnormal, which is why I'm not fond of it.

[VeganUU]

it sounds to me like you're going to be able to deal with breaking up, not breaking up, or whatever you decide. what i'm more worried about is your sexual sense of self. you aren't abnormal, san, the porn is. pornography is fantasy, and it rarely reflects the real sex lives of real people. a lot of young women can't orgasm very easily. not being able to orgasm does not mean you aren't a sexual person. honestly, most of what you're seeing in porn is the art of the "fake orgasm"... something which way too many women are experts at in real life.

i can definitely appreciate that you don't like porn personally. while i happen to like porn, i know that it doesn't do much for everybody. if your boyfriend does have porn addiction (which i believe does exist), then that's a problem he needs to deal with. if he just happens to like porn and wants to keep consuming it, then i think you need to let him if you choose to stay with him (really, you can't stop him anyway). it's not as if he turns to porn because you don't have orgasms. i've been in wildly orgasmic and sexual relationships and have continued to consume porn on a regular basis. maybe you should try to get more in tune with your sexual identity (read some betty dodson, carol queen, or the book "cunt") instead of worrying about your (ex)boyfriend's individual fantasy life. if he's anything like the majority of porn consumers i know, he doesn't want his porn fantasies to become a reality. in other words, he may not be interested in what turns him on in porn in real life.

at the very least, if you want to orgasm, start masturbating (if you aren't already). do it often, do it for a long time, and figure out what gets you off (mentally and physically). the vast majority of women can't experience orgasm with a partner until they experience it alone. if you don't know what you want, no one else is going to either. good luck. blessings, veganuu

[San]

That's a good way to look at it, thanks. I was always made uncomfortable by the fact that I can't compete with something that isn't real, but maybe I'm not expected to. But I have met guys whose unobtainable fantasies are what they want in real life, so I guess I should be thankful I didn't have one of those for a boyfriend.

I do try masturbating often but I usually give up because I can't feel anything.

[shade]

Originally posted by VeganUU
it sounds to me like you're going to be able to deal with breaking up, not breaking up, or whatever you decide. what i'm more worried about is your sexual sense of self. you aren't abnormal, san, the porn is. pornography is fantasy, and it rarely reflects the real sex lives of real people. a lot of young women can't orgasm very easily. not being able to orgasm does not mean you aren't a sexual person. honestly, most of what you're seeing in porn is the art of the "fake orgasm"... something which way too many women are experts at in real life.

I agree completely with that. My guy likes porn and I don't mind it but am not a huge porn fanatic, and my sex life is hardly like anything I have seen in pornography. I have felt a little uneasy before just being a typical girl that compares myself to everything. Seeing the gorgeous girls with a *huge* chest and feeling like I can't possibly match up to that. In the end though my guy comes to me rather than after those girls. Whenever I feel like that I just keep reminding myself of that one thing. If he didn't care for me or would rather fantasize about those girls than be with me, I wouldn't be in the picture.
I know many females who have trouble having an orgasm or have never experienced one. It does not mean that you are abnormal at all. I in all honesty can't think of any girls off the top of my head that have boasted about being able to orgasm easily. Even my sister who is a very sexual person has never had an orgasm (she's 20). Experiment and find out what works for you or is at least somewhat enjoyable for you rather than constantly worrying about not being able to have an orgasm. Even with VeganUU's suggestion of masturbation, when you are trying are you constantly worrying about trying to reach an orgasm or are you more relaxed and trying to enjoy the moment? If the number one worry on your mind is whether or not you may reach an orgasm, that could be hindering it a little bit.

I don't have a whole lot of advice on what to do about your ex boyfriend. Do whatever you feel is right and what you are comfortable with. Don't do something that you will regret (either forcing yourself to stay with him or else breakingit apart when deep down you really do have strong feelings for him). Sit him down and talk to him again about how you feel about hte whole situation. Explain to him again about why porn makes you feel insecure. Find out why he looks at porn and weigh out the factors.

[Vegit-8]

I am so impressed with the empathy, compassion, and maturity of all those sharing on this thread.

San, I am sorry that this drama came up for you at such a momentous time. Good luck in finding out what is right for you and I hope that you have a wonderful time at your prom.

May peace and joy be with you.
Vegit-8

[San]

I talked to him on AIM last night. I think I can forgive what happened. In a lot of relationships, at least some of my old ones, the same problems seem to come back after a break-ups and get-back-together. My boyfriend and I didn't have any problems, besides this one. I do believe he'd really sorry that he lied. I can accept the fact that he enjoys pornography, as it's something any guy I date would probably enjoy, although he says he doesn't want to look at it anymore. :shrug: Dunno if his resolution will last. I don't know if I want to get back together, but I think we can at least still be friends. Prom is in a week, and I'm going to think about it and see how that goes. Thank you everyone who has talked to me! You've helped me get through a tough time and I really, really appreciate all of the great friends I have here!