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View Full Version : 15 yrs .. abortion? adoption? motherhood? what's your stance?



shade
03-11-2003, 12:46 PM
I'm not sure if this fits into the topic of health, but it does in a sense affect her physical and psychological health so here goes..
One of my close friends who is 15 years old just found out yesterday that she is pregnant. Her dad went out of town for a week and the 19 year old boy who was looking after her (and getting paid like $100 a night to do so) raped her about half way through that period of time. This was about a month ago. Rather than using a condom or any other form of sensable birth control he chose to use saran wrap :brood:. This girl looks up to me and has asked for my advice on the issue since she doesn't know what to do. She basically has put the deciding factor in my hands which is rather scary since I have the power to decide her future. She has contacted the male involved and he told her that he wants nothing to do with her and to never call him again. I'm not sure what advice to give her on this issue so if anyone else wants to add their two cents so I can at least give her some more information on the options or help her decide what to do with a bit more background. In most cases I am opposed to abortion but I'm not sure at the moment for this circumstance. I don't agree with killing a life because of mistakes that were made. Then again, she is 15 years old, can barely take are of herself let alone another person, has poor personal hygeine, doesn't eat properly, smokes (tobacco and weed), drinks, has fetal alcohol syndrome herself and was born addicted to crack, more psychological issues than one could ever dream of, etc..etc.. I honestly don't think that she would be able to care for another life. She was adopted and ended up with an interesting family situation (abusive/alcoholic parents) and is quit ashamed about being adopted so isn't too keen on the adoption idea. If she could take care of herself through pregnancy I would normally see this as being the best alternative for her present situation and just knowing her lack of responsibility. I promised to stick by her side and told her that it is really up to her as to what she wants to do in the long run since I don't see myself having the right to make a decision like this for her. She said that she wants me to have a good curb in the decision she makes in the long run since I apparently know her better than she knows herself and she trusts me with her life. I don't know what do to so would anyone else like to throw in some imput to help me out here? :confused:

iamtheqbu
03-11-2003, 01:43 PM
Maybe you could find a counciling center and make her an appointment. At the very least they can make her feel more confident in whatever decision she makes, and hopefully take some of the weight off of her shoulders. If you can't find a counciling center, maybe a abortion clinic will be willing to meet with her and discuss her situation. Believe it or not, abortion clinics are not all about only abortion. In any case, professional help is a must, and you should even look into pressing charges against her attacker. Hope this helps!:)

shade
03-11-2003, 02:45 PM
One place that I thought of is that there is a free clinic here. It is for teenagers who can get sexual advice, pregnancy tests, STD/pap tests, abortions, medication (i.e. the birth control pill.. and such) with no charge and confidentially so that there parents don't find out.

She has told her father that he had raped her (mainly because he was going to hire him again to look after her in the near future when he went out of town) but I don't think that she wants to press charges against this guy. This is her second time in about 4 months getting raped (she gets herself into a lot of sticky situations). After like a week of me convincing her, she finally pressed charges against the other guy who raped her. It has been a long tedious battle for her over that and has kind of scared her from wanting to go through all that again.

Also in response to an e-mail I got:
She is terrified to tell her parents right now. Their relationships are rather rocky (parents are divorced and they just keep on booting her from one home to another since none of them get along with one another). She is going to have to tell them sooner or later. It is possible for her to get an abortion without their consent at the free clinic I was talkin about, but it would still be best that they find out at some point. Especially if she decides to not abort it they are going to find out sooner or later. It is definately too late to take the morning after pill since it would have been needed 72 hours after and it's been almost a month.

I think I'll try to get her to go down to the free clinic with me to at least get some advice on the options and maybe further educate herself on them as well.

misanthropy
03-11-2003, 03:00 PM
Originally posted by shade
I think I'll try to get her to go down to the free clinic with me to at least get some advice on the options and maybe further educate herself on them as well. I'm sorry your friend has had to go through so much at such a young age, but it's good that she has you to support her. Definitely get her to the clinic so they can discuss her options. If she choose to have an abortion, make sure she is educated in that choice (and what she can expect afterwards) and support her throughout.

-- Ida

karabear
03-11-2003, 03:19 PM
this whole situation sounds strange to me. it doesn't matter if she wants to press charges or not. if her parents know that he raped her, *they* can press charges. it's not only rape, it's statutory rape. i can't imagine being a parent and having my daughter raped and not doing anything about it! :( and if her parents know that she was raped, then why is she afraid to tell them that she is pregnant? it's not her fault and she needs all the support she can get.

it also sounds like your friend is not prepared to have or carry a child. i'm surprised that, after having the horrible childhood that it seems she has had, she wouldn't recognize that if she did decide to have the child she would have to make some serious changes in her lifestyle so that she wouldn't subject that child to the same disadvantages (such as drug addiction) that she had to deal with.

aside from the pregnancy issue, she needs an intervention! i've had friends who were on similar paths in life and they ended up dead or in jail or just going nowhere at all. it's wonderful that she has a supportive friend like you, but she also needs people to force her to get control of her life. if her parents don't know about the trouble she's getting herself into, then they need to be made aware of that so they can get her the help that she desperately needs. if she won't tell them, then somebody else has to. and if they won't do anything about it, then child services needs to get involved. otherwise your friend has a pretty bleak future ahead of her.

herbi
03-11-2003, 03:55 PM
First of all, I want to join in with what everyone else has already said about how great a friend you are to care so much about this person and to want to help her. But I don't think this is something you should have to deal with on your own either! I agree-- get thee to a professional counselling service.

Secondly, and very importantly, I do not like the idea of her rape being described as her getting into a "sticky situation." Either she makes bad decisions (like voluntarily consenting to have sex with a 19-yr old man using only saran wrap) and needs to own up to them, or, HE RAPED HER! There is no in-between!!! If she's calling it rape and it wasn't, then in an effort to shift responsibility away from herself (and I admit, it sounds like she is not ready for that responsibility!) she is making it that much harder for the next rape victim who comes down the line (the whole "Boy Who Cried Wolf" thing). But if this boy DID force himself upon her against her wishes, then he should not be allowed to get away with it! That is a serious heinous crime, and is NOT her fault. There is no "sticky situation" in which RAPE is acceptable! If she will not press charges for her own sake, perhaps some counselling can help her see the logic of doing it to protect the next girl he tries this with, because I assure you he will.

I am very worried about all of this. It doesn't sound like her parents are particularly sympathetic or responsible either from your description, but I would feel much much better if I knew there was a concerned local adult in the mix. Perhaps a doctor or teacher or clergyperson, or maybe someone you meet at the clinic/counselling center. You shouldn't have to do this alone, Shade.

icebear
03-11-2003, 04:20 PM
saran wrap? what is that?

herbi
03-11-2003, 04:28 PM
Originally posted by icebear
saran wrap? what is that?

It's a popular brand-name in the US!
aka plastic-wrap aka cling-film aka cellophane
Not generally recognized among the more effective means of birth control/STD preventatives.

(Which makes me remember, Shade! For god's sake make sure your friend gets an HIV test, and another in 3 months!)

misanthropy
03-11-2003, 04:36 PM
Originally posted by karabear
it's statutory rapeActually, the age of consent is 14 in Canada (last time I checked).

Oh, I missed the "sticky situation" part. Yes, rape is rape. If she did not consent, it's rape - regardless of the any other circumstances surrounding this.

I do hope she gets the help she needs.

mudy
03-11-2003, 04:40 PM
i have..so much..to say about this, but all i can say right now is that a good place to start is in the yellow pages
look up family planning and call anything that doesn't say "crisis" next to it (unless you want this girl to speak to someone who may tell her that she'll burn in hell if she chooses abortion) until you find someone who can provide her with immediate counselling over the phone or refer to someone. A second option is planned parenthood or the free clinic you mentioned, I guarantee you that if they don't provide free on-site counselling, they can refer you to someone who does. Finally, if she is considering keeping it, get her on a prenatal vitamin with at least 1mg of folic acid, get her to kick all of the dirty habits (including caffiene), and make sure she's eating right.
my heart goes out to you both..you've taken an incredile burden on to yourself..i don't think i can even handle thinking about what she's going through.

misanthropy
03-11-2003, 05:15 PM
Shade, here's the site for Planned Parenthood of Alberta (it's in Calgary):

http://www.plannedparenthoodalta.com

Lacykitten
03-11-2003, 05:25 PM
I'm pretty sure that the legal age is 18 in Canada, or it's different in each province, because a friend of my god-sister, in BC, had sex with a 20-something year old when she was like 14 or 15 and her mother was charging him with statutory rape.

.. I don't have much advice in this situation. Whether it was rape or not, she doesn't sound ready to have this baby and keep it.. but I wouldn't want her even carrying a baby if she's not healthy, and smoking various things and getting into situations where bad things can happen.

(And yes, you can knowingly put yourself into a situation which can lead to rape, or attacks of various kinds.. half the time just by having no common sense..)

Get her to go to a planned parenting thing.. they can help, I'm sure.. Best of luck.

shade
03-11-2003, 06:25 PM
By "sticky situations" I was referring to the situations she gets herself into and the people that she surrounds herself by. This certain circumstance was harder for her to avoid since it was her "babysitter", but the previous time she was raped she met a 40 year old guy on a phone chatline and she invited him over to her house. She didn't want to do anything sexual with him but he forced himself upon her. Things like that is what I meant as sticky situations, not rape itself.
It is not statutory rape. The legal age of consent for sex here is 14. Anyone 14 and over can have sex with anyone over the age of 18 and it's no longer statutory.
She did finally tell her mom, and her mom took it surprisingly well. Her parents probably aren't doing much along the lines of the rape factor because they see it more or less as a "my daughter fucked up again" thing. It sounds harsh but then again this is going back to the "sticky situations" she seems to get herself into a lot. They've all been through a lot with one another.
She still has yet to decide which alternative she would like to take. I sat down and had a talk with her about it today. I convinced her to come to the free clinic with me so that she can talk to a specialist. She also now recognizes some of the lifestyle changes (i.e. not drinking or doing drugs while pregnant) that she would have to make if she chooses to not abort it.
She does need some serious help. She refuses to talk to psychologists or counsellours about her problems. The only person that she really opens up to about any of it is me. I want to be a psychologist in the future but really have no training what-so-ever to give her the help that she needs right now. She claims that I give her the best advice and I do analyze things to death but I can't fix her.
While we are at the clinic they can do HIV and STD tests on her as well which I agree, herbi, is a great idea.

Thanks for the link misanthropy, I'll check it out.

Thanks for all your help so far guys. I'll look into your suggestions and see how it goes.

Lacykitten
03-11-2003, 07:38 PM
The Current Statutory Rape Law in Canada:

The Criminal Code does not now criminalize consensual sexual activity with or between persons 14 or over, unless it takes place in a relationship of trust or dependency, in which case sexual activity with persons over 14 but under 18 can constitute an offence, notwithstanding their consent. Even consensual activity with those under 14 but over 12 may not be an offence if the accused is under 16 and less than two years older than the complainant. The exception, of course, is anal intercourse, to which unmarried persons under 18 cannot legally consent, although both the Ontario Court of Appeal(3) and the Quebec Court of Appeal(4) have struck down the relevant section of the Criminal Code.

.. I added the bolding. That last bit, about anal intercourse, raised my eyebrows though..

Ahem. Anyway. It WAS statutory rape by definition of the law, as he was in a relationship of trust or dependency: that is a person's caretaker.. as far as I would understand it, anyway.

shade
03-11-2003, 07:42 PM
Thanks Lacy!

Beanqueen
03-12-2003, 10:25 AM
Hi Shade,

You sound like a great friend and you sound as if you are being really supportive to your buddy and man she obviously needs you. It's difficult when someone looks up to you in that way and you care about them so much and yet they keep getting into dangerous situations. I went through something similar myself and just have a little tuppence to add to this thread: Make sure someone is supporting you too! You need some way of discharging all the stress you are taking on board. I know you are supporting your friend through choice but just look after yourself as well.

Your friend does need to speak to a specialist about her situation and she also sounds like she needs to speak to someone about her lifestyle choices. I don't mean that in a disprespectful way but no one deserves to go through these things and she needs to know that she deserves better too.

Hope it all goes ok, I'll be wishing you both well.

Oh and the jerrk involved needs castrating. Without anasthetic. Bobbett style!

shade
03-12-2003, 05:53 PM
Oh and the jerrk involved needs castrating. Without anasthetic. Bobbett style!

Agreed 100%! heh.. During his stay there he attempted to go after me, and also succeeding in raping another one of my close friends. So he definately deserves something like that.

I sat down and had a talk with her today. She seems like she wants to make an effort to change her lifestyle. She also has decided that she does not want to have an abortion but adoption or keeping it are both options that she's looking at. She at least now recognizes that if that is the path she is going to take she needs to take better care of herself and grow up a lot so that she can also care for another life.

misanthropy
03-12-2003, 11:44 PM
Originally posted by Lacykitten
I added the bolding. That last bit, about anal intercourse, raised my eyebrows though.. Thanks for clearing up the statutory rape laws in Canada. I'm guessing the anal intercourse part is throw in like that so perhaps they can add an additional charge if someone is charge with rape & statutory rape.

misanthropy
03-12-2003, 11:47 PM
Originally posted by shade
I sat down and had a talk with her today. She seems like she wants to make an effort to change her lifestyle. She also has decided that she does not want to have an abortion but adoption or keeping it are both options that she's looking at. She at least now recognizes that if that is the path she is going to take she needs to take better care of herself and grow up a lot so that she can also care for another life. I do hope she can deal emotionally with everything. Has she been in contact with the planned parenthood affiliate in Calgary? They probably have rape counsellors onsite as well as pregnancy counsellors. Hope she is okay through all of this.

-- Ida :)

shade
03-13-2003, 12:58 AM
I'm still really questioning as to whether or not she can deal with it emotionally.

shade
03-25-2003, 03:22 AM
A slight update since my computer is finally up and running again after being broken for over a week.
This girl has now decided to get an abortion and really has no plans to help herself out at all or learn from experiences like this and change her lifestyle a bit.
But it is quite late (or early depending up how you look at it..) and I'm only up because she called me and woke me up... so this is it for the update for now. :sleepy: